Archive for March 13th, 2010

I think it is probably not uncommon, when a person whom you know dies, to feel the impulse to subject one’s self to inebriation. In fact, to subject one’s self to extreme inebriation.

Is it some sort of primal drive to push one’s self outside the envelope of the realm of perceived reality in a sub-conscious effort to be closer to the realm of those who have transcended our world?

I  don’t know but it happens to me pretty much each time someone I know dies. It’s not a sensations of grief … it’s not quite a celebration of the passing to another level of existence, either. It’s nearly that though.

To leave one’s self as much as possible without dying and actually crossing over that line is somehow compelling. In that context, addictions are more understandable. But this is more of a binge. Not a habit. More of a … fuck, I don’t know.

Another person I know has gone … died. And I’m, once again, drunk … in some sort of effort. Some sort of effort to separate from my reality and try to perceive that which cannot be perceived.

I am numb. Maybe that’s the goal? Numbness … the absence of normal self?

It is. I am. Tomorrow I will feel magnified aftershocks.

Stupidity.